Defeat

Defeat. No one likes it. Everyone experiences it. The best will tell you we learn from defeat. It is never easy to experience it yourself, let alone watch your own children go through it. Today was one of those days.

I grew up in Iowa, wrestling country. Dan Gable, the Brand boys, University of Iowa wrestling were household names and wrestling was our winter sport. Many of my friends in high school wrestled. We would have a packed gym. So, I knew when I had children, I wanted them to wrestle. The irony is that I live in Indiana, the basketball state. Too funny.

Today was like many winter Sundays, spent with a very early morning drive to make weigh-in for the wrestling tournament. We have done this countless times before, all three of my boys wrestling, even my little guy at a whole 37 pounds. The day started like all others, rolling out of the driveway when it is still dark, packed car of blankets, gear, and food.

The boys weighed in like all other times, warmed up, and seemed ready to go, until the first match. Little guy lost in a pin, didn’t have his head in the game. Loss 1. Next was Gus. A win with a pin! That would be the only win of the day. As the brackets moved, the boys fought hard, but each time just didn’t sink the win. As the day wore on, their demeanor deflated. And this wasn’t our first rodeo of losses! But today it harder than usual. The struggles, the pain, the heartache of pushing yourself so hard, but not quite enough to win the match.

While it was hard for my boys, it was especially hard for me. I don’t like seeing my boys feel defeat. I don’t like watching them struggle or feel frustration, even after the reassuring smile, pat on the back, or positive words. I can see it in their eyes that they don’t believe me right now that it will be okay and we will have a better weekend next weekend. At one point, I felt the notion that they wanted to stop wrestling all together, stop pursuing the sport, just call it quits.

But quitting is not an option. I want my boys to know that we finish things out, even if it is to finish the season to try something else next year. We don’t quit. We finish strong, no matter what. I want to take the pain and frustration away, because that is what moms do, but I know this is learning in the trenches.

When I think of our schools, our students, our teachers, this is the mindset I want to instill in others. No matter what is thrown at schools by the state, we push through it, because we cannot just throw up our hands and call it a defeat. We need to find a way, change what we do, prepare differently, so that we can have a strong outcome for our students.

When teachers try a new lesson or new technique and it fails, we should not throw up our hands in defeat, but rather try it again, but differently, and keep pushing through to find what works for our students.

And most importantly, when our students struggle, are frustrated, and are feeling defeat, we don’t allow them to stop, we don’t back down and make things easier, we encourage, support, and find another way to help them.

Teaching our children about “defeat” and “failure” are essential. We cannot expect perfection - they are kids. Kids will make mistakes. They will not behave perfectly all of the time. Students will not reach “at grade level” at the same time, in the same way, or at the same pace as other students. So, we must embrace “defeat” as a mindset, as a hurdle, so that we never quit, but keep moving forward toward the goal.

Defeat is a mindset. As is failure. I like to think of these types of things as setbacks, obstacles, or hurdles. Simply, we all learn from what we do, and isn’t that what it is all about? Learning so that we can have a different outcome next time. Defeat means that we give up. Our path is done. No opportunities await. I would rather not think this way. With “defeat” comes learning, growing, and then trying again.

We all feel defeat. We all experience failure. How are we modeling our attitude and mindset during those times for those around us? How are we supporting our children through it all?

Next Sunday, we have another wrestling tournament. And we will be ready. Because it is not how many times you feel defeat or how badly you feel it, but it is how you get up from the defeat you experience and make the best of it, changing your preparation, learning from the experience to do better next time. It is not the wins or losses, but the mindset we carry with us that life is a learning adventure that makes us better each day.